Hmmm. I am not sure where to begin. I can tell you that I never intended to stop blogging and think quite often – I need to blog this or blog that. Then I started feeling terrible for being so behind, then work got crazy(er), Sabina had another litter, and well life just sort of happened. I kept feeling guilty for not blogging and would have some great idea for a post, but would think – how to do explain the absence. Finally I decided that I just need to blog and that resulted in at least another month trying to figure out how to start blogging again. Do I just apologize for being gone, do I do a ton of back dated posts because goodness knows I have a ton of material.
All the while I trying to figure this mess out I realize how much I miss blogging. I actually have two other blogging ideas but then think if I can’t do one about my first love and passion how can I manage anything else. The voice in my head has the conversation that goes “well if brings you that much joy you would make time”, “if it is that important you would make time”. Sometimes I hate that other women who lives in my brain, and wonder why can’t she ever use her indoor voice? Really shouting isn’t necessary. And then she starts up again going on about how I used to make time, then my mind (and other voices start in) and wander about why I don’t make time if it is sooo important?
Then Thompson died. You don’t know about Thompson. I was supposed to be blogging about him. He was our 4th puppy raised for Canine Companions, a Sabina puppy from our last litter. Um yeah – you don’t know about the T litter either because, well – I wasn’t blogging. After Thompson died we were able to bring him home from the vet to rest eternally at his co-raisers home. But first we brought him to our home so that Sabina could say her good-byes.
I knew exactly how she would react. She came to his side and nuzzled him, she licked him, checked him for life. It was only a few moments before she knew. She walked away, nuzzled me, and then laid down. She came with us as we made Thompson’s final arrangements. It was a quiet and miserable evening. (and that my friends was the biggest understatement of all eternity) The next day we decided – ok my husband decided and drug me out of bed – that a quiet day at the beach was the gateway back to the new normal.
That day and the days that followed I was a hot mess, and I am not ready to blog about it. As I was pulled through that most horrible day and all the days that have followed, by our friends and family, I thought that sitting down to blog would help me get to my new normal. Unfortunately his passing just sort of threw another wrench in the plan and created a whole new set of issues about how to kick-start this blog again. So these pages sat for another week or so.
Then tonight I learned of the passing of a very vibrant woman who is new to my life. She has left behind a beautiful family including a young daughter and I for one can not find a single reason for it. As I was sending out a message to our local volunteer chapter I was struck by the fragility of it all. Everything: relationships, life, puppies, children, hearts, china plates, peace in the middle east – everything is fragile.
This re-realization of the world’s fragility does not want me to retreat or live in a bubble. It makes me want to be bold, to not waste a moment. I want to live like Thompson and all puppies do – for the now. That day at the beach Sabina had a ball. She basked in the warm sun, tried to dig a hole to China, and chased the surf. I think that human hearts, at least my heart, will take more time to heal than Sabina’s – but she reminds me that it is okay to accept what we can’t change and honor the life we are given by living it to the fullest.
This blog is part of me living to the fullest. I am not sure how things will unfold exactly, but I am no longer worried about “fixing” my absence. I just want to get back to why I started – to share this crazy journey of puppy raising, raise awareness of Canine Companions, and have some laughs along the way. I am back – blogging to the fullest.